Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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