We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
