Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
