i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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