He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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