Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
