i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
