My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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