Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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