I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
