Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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