I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
