I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
