how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
