On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
