on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
