Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
