I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
