the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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