I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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