Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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