When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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