From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
