If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
