If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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