I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Shame is for Republicans.
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