Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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