Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
