He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
