I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
