i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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