i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my being single is dangerous.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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