I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
