I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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