is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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