dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
