There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
