New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Holy shit dude........stairs
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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