mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
