His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
