What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
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Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.