There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"