Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.