I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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