He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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