Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
