i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
