If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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