you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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