you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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