ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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