I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize