Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
