Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
