Don't make out with my wife yet
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
