I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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