Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
