im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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