Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
