The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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